A Little Help Please?

Dear Austin’s Acre,

I’m having an issue with constipation. It’s not a minor case, mind you, but an extremely serious case. I haven’t been able to relieve myself for over a month. My weight has ballooned by 50 pounds…If I can’t resolve this issue soon I’m very afraid that I will explode like that overeating gentleman in that Monty Python classic, “The Meaning of Life”.

Signed, Plugged-up in Perkinsville

Dear Plugged,

As you know, probably better than most, constipation is a serious problem and should be addressed as soon as possible.

Constipation, also known as Defecation Deficit Disorder (DDD), can occur when your body is out of rhythm, when you are experiencing stress, when you are dehydrated, fatigued, frustrated, foul-mouthed, flabby, fixated or any number of different sources.  As such, there is not just one cure.  I have thought about your colon, non-stop for the past two days.  I believe I have finally developed a list of possible solutions to your case of DDD.

First, your problem might originate in a life that is “out of balance” and you could benefit from a homeopathic cure.  Over the last 24 hours, I’ve visited several “Nature” stores and websites.  Here I discovered that these treatments, like the people who sell them, are a little frightening.  The Dark Ages had more successful means of determining the identity of a witch than the solutions offered for the plugged in some of these stores.  Honestly, if this is your problem, I suggest you just learn to live with the constipation or you’ll end up buying a bag of “Nux vomica”, “Lycopodium”, “Causticum” and incense.

Second, you might suffer from a lack of fiber in your diet.  As everyone knows, Perkinsville is located in the beautiful countryside of Vermont, just off Interstate 91 and east of the Hawks Mountain Wildlife Management Area.  Vermont is famous for it’s cheese.  In fact, it has created a fantastic gastric experience called “The Vermont Cheese Trail”.  From this information, I deduce that you are consuming too much cheddar or Bartlet Blue.  Any doctor worth his weight in Gouda will ask you to eat less cheese and more leafy greens.  Unfortunately, you are beyond a nice garden salad with a side of Thousand Island.  At this point, you need to hit the big guns.  I suggest you buy a bale of hay ($6.16 per bale as currently listed on the Bale Price Calculator) and get started.  You can still use the Thousand Island but either way, you need to start grazing on that block of alfalfa as soon as possible.   Dig in and soon you’ll be sh**ting like a heifer in springtime.

Another cause of DDD can be psychological.  This is often witnessed in little children who are afraid of their own stool.  This could be your problem.  If so, you need psychological help immediately.   Seriously.  Stop reading this and call your shrink.  You need medications, psychotherapy, and perhaps electroshock.  I once heard of a woman who saw a rat in her toilet.  From that day forward, she was unable to sit on the pot.  She had a paralyzing fear of a rodent coming through the pipes and biting her on the backside.  She gained 275 pounds and died within three months.  She was buried in a septic tank. 

DDD can also be caused by a physical blockage in the rectum or colon.  You’ve heard the phrase, “Stick up your butt”?  If this is your problem, I suggest the following remedy:  Remove the stick.  I will not judge you.

Along with the psychological and physical causes of constipation, there is another, more likely factor  causing your DDD.  This issue plagues many of the 2.4 million American’s who sought medical care last year for their blocked bowels:  Potty Point Paucity (PPP).  In a society that runs from one event to the the next without stopping to poop, it is not uncommon to see people who are bloated, irritable, and needing a little “alone time”.  It is important to regularly stop and cleanse the body’s system.  This is why I disappear for hours at a time with a good book, a six pack of diet coke, a bag of Frito’s and a portable TV.  Quality time on the potty makes for a happier You.

I realize I did not touch on all the remedies that are currently used in modern medicine to treat DDD.  If you wanted those solutions, you should have visited a qualified healthcare provider.  Instead, you came to me.  Oh, I could have told you about the Milk and Molasses enema currently used in some of the top hospitals today.  I could have suggested suppositories, laxatives, or old fashioned caster oil.  But to do that, I would need eight more years of schooling, a medical license, and a good medmal insurance attorney.

Good luck.