Dear Austin’s Acre,

I am having difficulty getting into the Christmas spirit this year. Any suggestions?

Devoid of Chirstmas spirit in Dayton

Dear Chirstmas,

Thank you for writing.  I usually have to make up my letters to Austin’s Acre so this is very exciting for me.  Let me begin by pointing out that you have not only revealed your lack of Holiday spirit in your note, but even by the misspelling of your moniker.  Try referencing Christ and you’ll begin to feel better about the reason for the season in no time.

But beyond your quick fingers typing gaff, I sense that you need additional advice.  I’m glad you’ve come to me for some insight into the problem.  There are several other things you can do to spice up your spirit.  I’ve researched this matter thoroughly and can say with confidence that if you follow every one of my suggestions, we’ll all be happier.

1)  First, this season is about giving.  So give.  But don’t give to family and friends; they expect it.  And DON’T give to the needy; they won’t fully appreciate it.  Give to me.  You’ll feel better and so will I.  A complete list of possible gift ideas will be posted very soon and you can pick out 10-20 items, purchase them at the stores in which I am registered, gift wrap them in blue gloss paper using clear tape, and have them delivered before the 24th (we like to open our presents on Christmas eve).  Believe me, we will all have holiday cheer when you are done.

2)  This season is about singing.  Nothing says holiday spirit more than a few bars of “Here Comes Santa Clause” or “Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer”.  The secret to getting the Christmas spirit buzz is singing loud and to everyone you meet.  Don’t just hit the neighbors’ houses on a cold winter’s night that was so deep.  Sing to the people in the elevator (a captive audience).  Sing to the OBGYN during your December exam (he’ll never look at you the same way again).  Sing to the policeman who is giving you a seat-belt violation.  Sing to the people in the jail cell after you’ve sung to the policeman.  Sing to the judge who is assigning a court appointed defense lawyer and the psychiatrist determining if you are competent to function in society.  The point is this:  Sing.  Sing a song. Sing out loud. Sing out strong.  Sing of good things, not bad.  Sing of happy, not sad…Sing, sing a song.  Make it simple to last your whole life long.  Don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear, just sing, sing a song.

3)  This season is about food.  I personally enjoy rare roast beast but will settle for pheasant under glass.  Or frozen pizza.  I’m not picky.

4)  Finally, this season is about TV specials.  Rudolph, Santa is Coming To Town, Frosty, White Christmas, Charlie Brown…the list is endless.  You can spend DAYS in front of the TV watching special broadcasts designed to spark your spirit.  Why, on the Hallmark Channel alone there are 453 hours of sappy Angel-Saves-Christmas, The-Daddy-I-Didn’t-Know-Moved-Next-Door, The-Puppy-Donated-A-Christmas-Kidney shows; enough to make you puke.

So, the bottom line is to turn on the TV, fix a frozen pot-pie, hum a little tune and hit Khole’s.com and purchase away (my gift registry is under Curt Austin).  You’re Christmas Spirit will be soaring!

No. No.  There’s no need to thank me.  The $450 grill you will have purchase from my gift list will be thanks enough.