Resolution Revolution

Jan 1, 2013. Early morning.  Ready to take on a great New Year!
Jan 1, 2013. Early morning. Ready to take on a great New Year!

Every year.  Every, stinking, single, year.  I do it every January 1st:  I make resolutions.  And then, somewhere around the fourth day of the year, I start breaking those resolutions.

And I’m not alone.  Millions of fat, lazy American make many of the same declarations for change: Eat Less, Move More, Spend More Time With Family, Get A Better Job, Drink More Water, Take Vitamins, Run A Marathon, Write A Novel, Build A Log Cabin, Stockpile Weapons…The list is endless.

But this year is different.  I am not just going to hope to loose weight.  I will loose weight.  I will move more.  I will drink more water.  I will.  I know it.   Here is why:  In the past, all my hopes and dreams for the new year have been based on nothing more than hopes and dreams.  But THIS year, I have a spreadsheet: Fitness 2013.

That’s right.  With my new Fitness 2013 Spreadsheet, I can track my weight, my activity, my sit-ups and jumping jacks and water to caffeine ratio. I can even track my movement and the resulting benefit I receive!  After careful research, I developed a formula that considers the amount of time I do an activity based on the amount of energy expended.  On a scale from one-to-five, I can calculate just how much energy I’ve burned in a day.

Let’s say I shovel my drive.  It takes me half an hour.  The snow is heavy and after I pop my third Nitro, I mark in my spreadsheet a difficulty level of 5.   My spreadsheet automatically divides the product of these two numbers by my average weight over the past week and then multiplies this by the amount of water I’ve consumed, with a slight alteration made to account for the exact level of caffeine in my system at that exact moment.  Divide by Pi and the square root of my thigh’s circumference and there you have it.

This is going to be a great year!  I just know it.

P.S.  Feel free to use my spreadsheet for your own successful 2013!